Your Selfish Lover
by dimitrisgirl18
Summary: "I do love you. But I need you to love me back or not love me at all." Because Roxanne's a famous movie star, and you're just Molly-her second choice, her cheerleader. A series of letters-and what came in between. Mollyii/Roxanne, trigger warning: suicide, drug overdose. For Cassie.


_Your Selfish Lover_

* * *

"My heart carries too much weight." – Andrea Gibson

* * *

You look down at the envelope in disbelief. The handwriting doesn't lie, and the return address is a dead giveaway. "Oh Merlin, she wrote me back," you whisper. "She actually wrote me back."

_June 10__th_

_Dear Molly,_

_Thanks for your letter. You caught me just as I was on my way to work—good thing I wasn't there! Can you imagine what they'd think of an owl? How are you? How's Lorcan?_

_Things are boring here. I've just gotten my third role in three months, but it's nothing big. Just the friend of the lead. _Just Us Lovers _is still the biggest role I've ever had—is that bad? I think it is. I dumped Edward the other week, just to let you know. Mum liked him, but he was a bit too…good for me. And not because he was too good for me, you know? He was just…too nice. Too perfect. A bit like you._

_Write soon, it's dreadfully boring in between scenes._

_Rox_

* * *

_June 10__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_It's so nice to hear from you. You've got no idea how much we've all missed hearing from you. I feel like it's been years! Technically, it's only been one and a half, but still. Did you get my earlier letters? I've been writing you every few months or so. Lorcan and I broke up about two months ago now. He said it was because we were 'different people.' I guess he reminded me a bit of you. Irrational in the best way, always wanting to go see the world and do more. I want kids and a house with a fence where we can degnome the garden on Saturdays. Is that so terrible?_

_You starred in _Lovers_! We all went to see it. Victoire and Dominique and James and I had to corral all the little ones to go see cousin Roxy in the big Muggle theater. It was quite the spectacle, you should've seen us. We had so much fun, dear, it was excellent. You were the shining star, of course._

_That's too bad about Edward. Sounds like we've both got a little bad luck. Felix Felicis, anyone?_

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_June 17__th_

_Molly,_

_So sorry I haven't written; things actually got busy for once. Irrational in the best way? Aw, you're making me blush. Sorry about Lorcan, you should do whatever you want._

_Yes! I'm so glad. Did you all like it? What did the kids think? Did mum and dad see it? I hope not. I'm trying out for another role tomorrow. If I like it, I might ditch this one. They're still in pre-production and I feel like they want to recast me. On another note, I almost got caught using magic yesterday. Oops. I was letting the dishes wash themselves when one of my co-stars walked in. I just ran over to the sink quickly. I'm sure she didn't notice. It was fun, though!_

_Any potion you've got, I'll take. I met this guy named John shortly after I wrote my last letter. He was really nice, at first. He was just trying to get into my pants, apparently. I have the worst luck. Not to say that I totally didn't use him first, but I dumped him after that._

_Rox_

* * *

_June 17__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_Of course we all liked it! The kids thought you were quite a hit; they adored you. Your mum and dad didn't see it, because you told them not to, remember? Oh, dear, you should stay with the role you have now. Isn't it a bit like cheating? And be careful with your magic. I'm glad you didn't get caught._

_Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Some men just don't realize what they've got in you. You're absolutely lovely; don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. And boys like that just aren't worth it. You'll find someone who's right for you, Roxanne, don't worry. I know you will. There's someone out there for all of us, we just haven't found them yet. Stay hopeful._

_In other news, Lucy's not home yet. She was supposed to be home two hours ago. I'm sure she's just fooling around with some boy again, but still…I'm worried. I hope she's home soon._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_June 21__st_

_Molly,_

_Oh, lovely. I'm glad they liked it. And don't worry, it's not cheating. I got the part, but my directors had recast me that morning. Something about 'artistic differences' and 'complaints from other cast members.' Whatever. Bunch of prats, they are. And don't worry about my magic, I can take care of myself. But thanks._

_I am hopeful. I've got a boy named Louis, now. Ironic, right? He's nice enough, but he dresses too fashionably to be straight. Poor thing probably hasn't realized he's gay yet. But he's a body, for the moment._

_I'm sure everything will be fine. How'd that turn out?_

_Rox_

* * *

_June 22__nd_

_Rox,_

_Lucy's gone. Lucy's gone, and we can't find her. I'm terrified. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Oh Merlin, Roxanne, I'm worried sick. We've all been searching for days and she's not staying with any of the family._

_I'm sorry that I'm not up to my usual letter writing today. Will write soon._

_Molly_

* * *

"Roxanne?" You shoot up from your seat, dropping your quill and parchment.

"Hey."

You look down, then back up again, twiddling your fingers. "Hi. What brings you here?" Your heart is beating faster than you'd thought was possible—and not just because you've been running around all day, looking for your flighty sister. She's burst into the door like your knight in shining armor.

"Lucy."

Something in your heart drops. Maybe a little piece of you had hoped that she'd arrived for you. "Oh. Yeah, of course."

"You just sounded so urgent in your letter and…"

"Yeah."

You sit back down on the couch and she takes off her coat, shaking her Weasley red hair. "Quite a thunderstorm."

"Mmm."

"What's wrong?"

You look up at her and feel the tears burning in your eyes, threatening to spill over. "What do you think is wrong?"

She sits down beside you, takes your hand, and leans into you. You draw in a sharp breath, but you don't fight it. And when the tears come, you don't fight them either, even when they soak into her clothes.

"Shhh," she whispers, smoothing back your hair. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna find her."

"What if we don't?" The words slip from your mouth unbidden, and a fear begins to twist its way through your veins.

"We will." She wraps you in her arms and you only wish that it was under different circumstances.

(You love her, don't you?)

"I love you."

She sits up. "I…Molly. You know I love you." Your heart soars momentarily. "But not like that. We're cousins, remember? And even if I did…" Something inside you snaps as she stands up. "We should be looking for Lucy." Before you know it, her coat is on and she's back out the door, and you can hear the roar of her Muggle car as it takes her away from you.

(You know she loves you. But she's too selfish to admit it.)

* * *

_June 30__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_Thank you for everything. Lucy is grateful, too. We all are. I hope you can come back soon, but I know you must be awfully busy with your new film._

_Talk to you later._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_July 5__th_

_Molly,_

_It was no problem. I'm just glad everyone's okay. And I'm sorry about the thing._

_The new film is insane. The Americans just celebrated what they call 'Independence Day,' so there were a lot of parties and what have you. Overall, it's been a really great experience._

_Have I told you about Sean? Oh, he's lovely. I met him right after what's-his-name and I broke up. He's really nice, Molly. I think he might be something special. He's what I need. Very polite, and ever so gentle and caring. Kind of like you._

_Rox_

* * *

_July 6__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_I wish I could come see you so I could meet this lovely boy of yours. I kind of miss you._

_Lucy's back to normal now, and she resents us a bit less. But I think she's glad to be home. She says to say hello. I know it's difficult for you to get off of work, but if you have a day, I'd like to come out and see you. _

_I just…please. We need to talk. Face to face. I love you, and I don't particularly care if you know because you've been ignoring it for as long as possible and it's time that you care about me. Just this once, Roxy? Do something for me. I don't want to be your second choice, the girl on the other end of the letter that you can always rely on to boost your self-confidence and love you regardless. You're selfish. You want me to love you without having to give anything back. Tou just throw boys away like they're nothing to you—and it scares me that you'll do the same to me. I do love you. But I need you to love me back or not love me at all._

_Molly_

* * *

_July 6__th_

_Rox,_

_Please don't read my previous letter. Please don't. Sean sounds very nice and Lucy says hello._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_July 11__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_I haven't heard from you in a while. Just wondered if everything was okay. Fred says hello._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_July 14__th_

_Molly,_

_Sean's broken up with me. For the first time ever, it wasn't me. I'm not me anymore, Molly. I don't know what to do. I snapped at a girl this morning because she didn't bring me my coffee with the proper amount of sugar. What's wrong with me?_

_You're right. All of it. You're right. And I can't love you anymore because I'll just keep using you and snapping you like a twig. I want to say that I'm breaking up with you (is that even what I'm doing?) because I'm selfless, because I know it's best for you. But I can't even do that, dear. I'm so selfish that I'm doing this because I think I deserve it. Because I'm thinking of me, because I'm thinking that as soon as I'm free of you, I won't feel guilty anymore. I'm so selfish, Molly. And I have to tell you that I don't love you. I will never love you like you love me, and so I've got to stop this stupid feeling that I've got to keep trying. I don't want to break you and me even more._

_Rox_

* * *

_July 14__th_

_Dear Roxanne,_

_No, you don't have to. I don't care. I love you. When can I come out and see you? Writing letters is no good. Just tell me, and I'll be there._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_July 20__th_

_Roxanne,_

_I hope everything's okay. Just…talk to me. Write me. Something. Your family hasn't heard from you in months, at least talk to them. I love you._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

_July 25__th_

_Roxanne, _

_Did I do something? I'm going to come see you, okay? I'm coming today. I'll be there tomorrow. I love you._

_Love,_

_Molly_

* * *

"Hi, I'm looking for Roxanne Weasley? She's the star. She's about this tall, she's got bright red hair—"

"Oh, you mean Roxanne Prewett." The man pops his gum, and you wince. Her stage name.

"Yes, I'm her cousin. I'm just looking to surprise her, you know, it's her birthday in a week or so and she hasn't been in contact recently."

"Haven't you heard?"

You smile patiently and take a deep breath. "No, I haven't."

"Oh, she committed suicide about a week ago. Poor thing, she swallowed a couple bottles of pills and left a note."

Roxanne. Oh Merlin, Roxanne.

"Where?"

"In her trailer. They've moved the body, but if you're family you can go up to the main office."

You're walking, you're running, you're breathing too fast and when they take you to the hospital and show you the body you nod _Yes, it's her_ and they leave you alone with her as they get the note and the pills. You stroke her red hair, and you think that if she was here she'd find this whole thing ridiculous.

"I'm dead," she'd say. "I'm dead, Molly, so leave."

But you can't, can you? You just can't bring yourself to leave her, and so you don't make a run for it and they give you the note and the pills and they leave you alone again with your sad and broken lover.

Against your better judgment, the smile on her face is saying "Open the note, Molly," and so you do, because you've never been one to disappoint her.

* * *

_Dear Molly,_

_Thank you for trying to love me, even when I didn't love you. I really did, Molly darling, I really did, even when it didn't seem like it. I know that one day you'll forget me, and so will the rest of the world, but until then, if there is one thing you remember about me, remember that I was selfish. I was your selfish lover, dear, and I never wanted to be anything else. This isn't because of you, it's because I couldn't take how I was using you when everyone else was using me._

_Goodbye, Molly dear. _

_Love, _

_Your Selfish Roxanne_

* * *

You look down at the bottle of pills. There's only a couple left. "What, Roxanne, were you too selfish to let me come with you?" you whisper.

With a steady hand, you take a pen from your purse and write on the bottom of Roxanne's note.

_It's okay. I still love you._

And that's it, isn't it? You're done now. You sit down next to her and close your eyes as you lay your head next to hers. "You've gone and killed us both, Roxanne Weasley."

This time, when you cry, she's not there to wipe your tears.

* * *

_A/N: For Cassie, the Roxanne to my Molly._

_Also written for Camp Potter: Archery (write about death), the Femmeslash Project, and the Andrea Gibson Competition._

_Allie_


End file.
